I'm in rehearsal for another play - my midriff bulge has featured prominently (and I mean it when I say PROMINENTLY) in several of the local rags and so now I'm motivated to give up eating liking a pig, if only to avoid having more humiliating pictures featured in the future, cos I can just imagine people who I haven't seen/spoken to in the past 20 years looking at them going oh my god hasn't Linda let herself go when in fact I'm just in character, people! It's Wanda who has that enormous gut, not me!!!! The play is so funny, god I hope we do it justice.. Why won't someone tell me I'm fantastic? Rehearsals suck! At least we all seem close to having our lines down now.. Maybe I'll hear it tomorrow. Maybe I'll make someone laugh tomorrow (not just myself).
My youngest crotchfruitian, Ash, will be One Year Old in a couple of weeks; I really find it very difficult to believe that a year has passed so quickly.. After all the angst during his gestation, I'm so happy to say that I love him utterly and don't regret his participation in my life one little bit. I love him so much and thank og that he's my son. He's beautiful and happy and up on his feet and even though he enjoys slapping me and attempting to extract my eyeballs in order to use them as teething instruments I can't imagine life without him.
I've had 3 months off work - belated maternity leave. I can't believe that I went back to work one week after Ash was born. It's been wonderful having this time off; the bond between Ash and myself has strengthened so much and Aiden is starting to love him now that Ash is not a floor dweller anymore. I'm starting to get the longing for a life partner again, though. The thing is, if it never happens, if I never find someone to love and be loved, at least I'll have my sons so I'll never be completely alone (except in my dotage after my sons have discovered that I'm a fuckwit and leave me to rot in a nursing home - hopefully by that time my brain will have turned to mush and I won't be aware of my abandonment). I wasted my 20's and my 30's ... I turn 39 in June.. I'm thinking of having a party then and so can avoid the whole 40 thing. I don't really care though.. I'm already wrinkly and old and crusty looking.. 40 will mean that I don't have to worry about not being dewy anymore. Tain't many dewy 40 year olds, and if there are then they have probably just been paralysed with botulism of the face! I'm going to bloom in my 40's, I just know it. I'm going to make it happen. So what if I'm ugly and old?? There are lots of ugly and old men of the same age! And so what if I remain single? I may find my vocation in which case bah humbug! Lots of sex with someone who isn't an ex would be good though. Gotta say byebye to the big D very soon, I have to admit. Sex is all very well but good sex is even better, and if I can't have that then my hand is a devoted friend and very well aware of the location of the clitoris and that is not to be sniffed at!
There have been a few women in plays that I've been in during the last few months who want to get to know me, who ring me up and force me out of my hermit status. It's so nice to have people around who like me. I miss my friend Kath so much. I miss having a best friend so much, someone to talk to, someone to be honest with. I regret so much in my life. I lived with the daughter of my very good friend for a year and I regret that I kept so much of myself back so that she didn't know how to approach me. Hope yer doing well, roomie! Hope uni is all that you hoped it would be. Aiden still wishes that we were back at the little house, but life is full of changes. I still find it hard to get myself out of my rut. Such a deep rut it's been, but god all it would take to scrabble out of it is a bit of encouragement! Sad sad sad. What a waste of so many years. I've read a lot, seen lots of good movies, been to see bands and love music that doesn't appear on video hits and rage top 50, and yet I'm still the daggiest of the dags! Och well. The good thing about being a failed pessimist is that hope springs eternal. Part of me may be terribly cynical but I always expect to be proved wrong! (Did you know that in an Archie comic, every sentence ends in an exclamation mark?! I live by that..)
Love to all